What matters.

Joy. Love. Friendship. Sharing a good laugh. The feeling of returning home after months and finding your mother at the door, smiling. To eat a home cooked meal after months. The sight of two puppies playing with each other. Sharing a cigarette with your friend. Rolling down the car windows and feeling the wind in your face. Lying on the beach , the waves lapping at your feet. Coffee on a rainy evening. The sight of your officer brother with his crew cut hair , walking towards you from at the arrival terminal of the airport. Looking at childhood pictures. Hearing a song you love and texting a friend you shared it with. A hot cup of chai shared with a batchmate , while running between classes in college. Drunk dancing with girl friends. Receiving a compliment about how nice you look when you least expect it. Being woken up in bed with a kiss. Setting out late at night, searching for cycle chai wala and finally finding him. Sleeping on your lover's shoulder. Watching your favourite actor shirtless on a movie hall screen. Being tickled by the one you love and running around everywhere laughing. Watching your favorite sport team win and celebrating. Early in the morning, standing in the balcony of a hotel room in a hill station , watching white clouds cross the mountains. Walking on a moonlit night , holding hands with the one you love. The thrill of amusement park rides. Waking up in the morning to find a loving message on your phone. Drinking with friends and acting silly. A hearty meal. A bottle of wine all to yourself. Talking to a friend for hours at a stretch. Receiving a gift.The feeling of having someone appreciate you.

What is happiness and joy about? What is love and friendship about? I can't say I know the definite answers to these questions. What I do know is that these little things make this world worth living in.

If only I had these keys !

There are x number of keys on the keyboard. There are keys for consonants, vowels, numbers, mathematical signs, exclamatory keys  and the very significant Backspace , Delete and Enter keys.
How I wonder if, and wish I could use these in life.

In spur of the moment decisions, I would just press Enter and it would be done. The heart or head would have claimed victory over the other and the deed would be done. But of course, it was a spontaneous impulsive decision. I would reflect on it and come to the conclusion that I was wrong and wrong has been done. Right and wrong still being very subjective in essence, I would however not realize that and the battle would continue.
My saviour of the moment Backspace would come to my rescue. I would feel elated because for once my wishful thinking would be materializing. I would have a sense of relief and joy , that backspace would take care of my errors and I would start over. Oh yes! A new beginning it would be! I would be able to use all the keys I have and create something better. Better , again being subjective ; but I'm elated and would not see that of course.I would use Backspace for the small errors and use the mighty and beautiful Delete for the larger ones.
The Delete is a clever one. It would make me think it is ridding me of unwanted unpleasant things I have created but instead keep them all preserved in a bin. Some would argue at this point that Delete's partner in work The Shift would enable it to take care of these problematic things. A technical person once told me that its always possible to recover these and all this Shift Delete partnership business is a hoax.

My ultimate ever-so-powerful superhero would probably be named  FileShredder or FileSmasher. It would take away all my worries and unwanted unpleasant evidence of the errors I would have made.

How I wonder if and wish I have these keys in life. The Enter to help me take decisions and act on them. The Backspace to undo my mistakes and have a shot at rectifying them. The Delete to erase unpleasant memories which just take up precious space inside of me.Perhaps FileShredder could be my lover!

If only, I had these keys, these tools..to keep my system functioning !

A Prayer

With a hopeful heart and open arms
I pray to you
Give me strength and courage and will
To escape from this dismal rut
To run into the caress of the place of peace
To feel deeply and think freely
To understand the work of each breath of air
To realize that each passing second is a moment gone by
To see this world and all its life and splendor
To treasure even the tiniest gift received
To pull through the tests I will be faced with
To clear obstacles with strength and honour
To love and care as a pure heart does
To be what we were all intended to be, human.


0206hrs, 31march,2012

I fantasize , too

I fantasized about love
About falling in love and out of it
About togetherness and how I would keep you close
With a hug and a kiss
About heartbreak and how I would let you go
Without anger not uttering a word

I fantasized about a relationship
And the idea of love so
I thought I would be fair and reasonable
And trusting and ever so loving
Thought I would be logical and practical
And abiding by my set of principles

I fantasized about you and I
Hoping and praying and working and loving
Traveling places experiencing it with you
Fighting and loving and crying and laughing
Dreaming our life and living our dream
Somehow making it through

So don't leave me now
Don't leave me in my fantasy, my dream


1625hrs , 30March,2012

Disturbed

She wants to shout and cry
But stops herself
She wants to run and hide
But finds herself bound
She wants to smile and dance
But her body won't move
She wants to live and love
But discovers that they won't let her
She wants to just lie and sleep
And for once, this she can.

Dawn

Crimson cracks of light

breaking in through

Everything's a silhouette

on this beautiful tuesday morn'

The occasional grunt of a motor

passing by the road

Chirping of the flying ones

perched on pretty trees

Smoke willowing from my hand

making ribbons as they dissolve

Cool breeze of the dawn

caressing my skin

soothing my worn eyes

The days grows onto me

Step by step..

Second by second

5:45 am, 22 march,2011

Often , we take relationships for granted. We consider some people- a friend, a lover, a sibling, a parent, our own. We fear losing our loved ones, yet we make the mistake. We don't mean to. Don't they know ? We love them. Its an unspoken promise. Of being there. That's the bond.

Loved you, I did

With all my heart

I tried so hard

To keep you close

Yet drifted apart

by little things

Did they matter so much

I ask myself

There's a spark somewhere

Telling me otherwise

A hope of something bigger

It will be alright

Consoling and soothing

myself, I hope